How can women manage it all?
Sometimes managing is more important than having it all!!
Recently, I read Mrs. Anuranjita Kumar’s popular book ‘Can I have it all’. I have personally never believed in the concept of having it all and neither chased it. Therefore, I started the book with a lot of curiosity. Honestly speaking, I could not relate to a lot of parts of the book, but what I liked was that Mrs. Kumar says this concept is contextual and that it is up to us to define ‘Have it All’.
Another book I read was a gift by my company on this Women’s Day — ‘Lady, you are not a Man!’ by Mrs. Apurva Purohit. Both the books are widely popular and talk about women struggles in the corporate world and ways to successfully navigate it.
Both the books are very well written and I appreciate the authors bringing out their struggles and lessons learned from it so beautifully. However, I could only partially relate to both the books and this made me think about the reasons behind it.
So, this is what I realized -
- Generally, women who have made it to the top write these books and therefore focus on success stories. Off-course we need those stories to get inspired, nobody wants to hear failure stories. But, how many women of us get such opportunities, and work at such employee-friendly companies where there is immense scope to grow that allows us to change departments/roles when things don’t work out or there is a job stagnancy.
- I feel that such books/articles represent only 5% of the Indian women workforce given that the work culture in maximum companies is not yet mature to understand and accommodate women needs.
- From my personal experience and the women with whom I have interacted along my journey, except for one or two, things were not linear for anyone. There are so many stories each one of us has where things were never so straightforward.
Given the above context, I thought rather than talking about — How can I have it all (which is a great concept to whomsoever it is applicable), I should talk about ‘How can I manage it all’? keeping in mind the large workforce of women for whom things are not linear. Please note that this blog is in no way critical to the two ladies quoted above, I have just cited them to make a point.
Below, I have given few broad points which have worked for me and hopefully will help other women professionals out there. Further, to make things interesting, I have given two approaches to each of those points. One is the bookish, extremely favorable viewpoint for those with whom everything works out seamlessly and there is only a minor inconvenience (borrowed this terminology from my husband). We will call it the Prabal Naari (Hindi translation — Predominant, Powerful woman) approach. Another is which is widely applicable to most women for whom things don’t always go their way, we struggle to make our way, people around us are not perfect etc., etc. Let us call this the Sabal Naari (Hindi translation — empowered woman) approach. (By the way, I fall in the latter category).
Disclaimer — This blog is mostly applicable to married working women Indian professionals but no harm in going through it, even if you do not fall in this category.
1. Strategize, plan and plan:
This point will not only help you in your professional but also personal growth. Imagine a scenario — You want to be part of a project which starts in a month and which you know will be extremely demanding, and your child’s exams are also starting in the same month.
Prabal Naari approach — Go and talk to your Manager. If you have been a consistent performer she/he will understand and make you part of the core team of this new project along with providing you with the necessary flexibility.
Sabal Naari approach — Take the project in any case. If there is an iota of doubt in your mind that giving the exam reason will take away that project don’t even mention it. You have no control over the exam schedule and I am assuming here that you are the primary caregiver to your child. So, do what is in your control.
Plan and plan so much with your child that when exams start you are ready (Now being ready is very relative, it depends on what your and your child’s goals are. 90% is not for everyone). The second stage will be to plan with your husband/any close relatives, who will take leave/ WFH on certain days so that one day before exams you are there with your child. Also, in parallel train your child to understand that you cannot be always there for her/him and there will be a few exams where the child has to take complete responsibility. Most important, train yourself that it’s okay if your child does not score high in all subjects. These marks anyways do not decide your child’s future.
2. Ask for help liberally and please extend help:
Even if you are an excellent planner or learn the art of planning overtime, it will never suffice. There will still be many instances when both you and your spouse will be busy. So, ask for help liberally, have no egos because what use is a big ego at the cost of your career? Help does not always necessarily mean being physically present, many a times I have reached out to people when things were difficult, only to have a chat. It has given me a different perspective making it a little easy to navigate the situation.
Prabal Naari approach — Ladies, make your mother-in-law, sister-in-law your friends. Ask for help from them and your parents whenever required.
Sabal Naari approach — Sorry to say this, but all women are not blessed to have a dependable mother-in-law or mother who will come to rescue whenever required. In fact, mostly it is the opposite. This comes from my numerous interactions with so many women. Human psychology is extremely complex and layered. A woman may be a hands-on grandmother but not necessarily a supportive mother-in-law. Plus, they may have some genuine constraints in helping you. So, what do we do?
We look for girlfriends; women who have similar profiles and are ready to fill in whenever you need. Also, look for a paid facility that is reliable. Like a daycare or child care facility. Mostly such facilities provide services on an hourly basis. Make connections with them and train your child to accommodate for you.
This comes with extending help whenever you are able to do so. When we go through everyday challenges, we naturally start empathizing with our kids resolving that in the future I will be there for my daughter or daughter-in-law. This is a noble thought and we must certainly do it in the future, but why wait when we can do that for our fellow women now?
Although, this point is getting longer, I want to share an anecdote here.
My daughter was barely 3 years old when her right hand came in the kitchen door of the daycare. It was the negligence of the support staff, still something that can happen anywhere. Although first aid was given to her, my child’s hand was swollen and she was in extreme pain. I came home to drop off my bags, and when I was taking her to the doctor, I met a few women from my building downstairs. It was their usual routine to meet downstairs in the evening, you know how the so-called ‘popular women’ of every society do (By the way I never made the cut). These women made sure that I feel pathetic to make my child stay at daycare. I wondered what kind of sisterhood we are talking about if we can’t even empathize with the woman and the child and instead of offering to accompany me to the doctor, they made me feel that I was a horrible mother.
Ladies, let’s be the biggest cheerleaders of women who are going an extra mile. So, the next time you see a woman doing something difficult or out of her comfort zone (like restarting her career, starting a business etc.) tell her how proud you are. It may not be directly beneficial to you, but it will build a culture of mutual empathy and appreciation and you will be able to identify women who share similar beliefs. Maybe others will follow.
3. Network — conditions apply:
If we want to successfully navigate through the corporate world and at the same time make meaningful contributions to the sector we work in, networking is the key. It’s a norm, given the frequent mis-hires, that people especially in mid senior/senior positions look for good references which saves a huge amount of time and effort. No two thoughts here that networking is extremely important but how you approach it, is entirely your outlook.
Prabal Naari approach — Try to attend team get-togethers and don’t shy away from the after-office parties because men in your team will get an advantage when they do so. Don’t just huddle around women colleagues and do not hesitate to be at the bar table where all intellectual discussions are happening.
This is a fairly logical approach and certainly no harm in following this advice. Now my question here is and I speak purely in Indian context. How many women even today are comfortable and also have the luxury of time to go to these get-togethers? Sometimes I wonder which India are we talking about. Are the women I meet on trains/busses/in my society/office are properly represented in this approach?
I too network, but in a way, which does not conflict with who I am. I do not try to become somebody else and there is no need to become one. I am a teetotaler and I have absolutely no complexes in accepting who I am. I have a certain way to lead my life which I have chosen consciously. Not that I am judging women who socialize after office hours, but it should not be seen as a requirement for networking, and my intellectual capacity certainly is not at the mercy of the bar talks. It makes me wonder what kind of inclusivity are we talking about if the so-called team get-togethers happen only in a bar after office hours, then we have not understood the meaning of inclusiveness. Further, the concept of Diversity and Inclusion(D&I) becomes a mere token, like checking a box to prove the progressive nature of the organization.
Sabal Naari approach — Deliver such high-quality work which makes you a valuable asset to the team. Networking of this kind which is formed through collaboration may translate to something tangible in the future. This approach is very debatable, often I have heard people argue that it is foolish to wait for good work to be recognized, and good work may often go unnoticed. I agree, but it greatly depends on the team you are working with. When the team is good, where the focus is on high productivity, you automatically become an asset to the team. Then it does not matter if you skip such get-togethers (off-course on a polite note). Don’t forget that men working with us are also from the same planet, so having a certain time constraint should not be an alien concept to them. Only when the environment promotes mediocrity, there is little merit in good work. Then these things start to matter more.
Another fruitful way is to become a part of social networking groups which are formed with a certain objective in mind and not randomly. For example, I am a part of DAMA India and the group has a certain objective, one of which is helping people clear the CDMP exam. Or my BITS Work Integrated M.Tech group where people genuinely help each other.
You can also connect with like-minded people on social networking sites like LinkedIn. I have seen most people sending connection requests to random professionals because he/she holds a certain position. How is this going to help you because like you, that professional is getting 20 other requests in a day. To form a meaningful connection, you have to look for people whose experience will benefit you , her/his work inspires you and you can site at least one instance where you connected with that professional. I have observed that my likelihood to accept a request and remember someone is when people have sighted either one of my blogs or wanted to inquire about a particular certification I did.
4. Create an environment of positivity and extreme professionalism:
This point may seem very trivial and more like a preachy point (Gyaan session which we all dread so much these days). But if used as an effective mind tool can be very powerful.
I once happened to watch a short video of Bollywood actor Akshay Kumar and it stayed with me. Strange how things said in a very unrelated context stay with you! He said and very rightly so, that he got most of his movies even when he delivered back-to-back flops because the producers thought that he is a thorough professional, is extremely punctual, and throws no tantrums. In the end, what kept him up-float in that difficult time was not his talent but his extreme professionalism. Effective communication, prompt response, and the sheer display of willingness to solve a problem will take you a long way. It is possible that we may not keep up with the continuous changes in the ever-evolving technical spectra but professionalism along with a positive approach to work will keep you relevant for a very long time.
Positivity at the workplace does not only include maintaining an optimistic outlook in life but carrying your interactions in such a way that you come out as a person who is ever ready to take on an opportunity when presented with one and not somebody who has to be first convinced. Another aspect is to come out as someone who inspires the juniors. They may or may not be your direct reportees. This also goes a long way in nurturing a culture that boosts overall productivity.
On this point, I think both the Prabal and Sabal Naaris agree. Afterall, it’s all in the mind.
In this blog, I have tried to put together a few points which were on top of my mind. Again, like the two books I quoted above which I could not relate much owing to my different circumstances, these points may also not be applicable to many. But if it can help a few of my fellow women professionals it’s worth a try!!
Disclaimer: The views presented here are my own and nowhere related to the company I work with.
You can explore more of such blogs in The Sane Woman series here.
If you liked this blog or it made you smile, please comment here. I certainly would like to hear from you. You can also connect with me on LinkedIn.
Originally published at https://ruchideshpande.in.
